Humor: Security Guard Jokes

(Based on true-to-life stories , told and retold by security guards)

Floating Guard

A guard narrated to his supervisor a very weird experience he had the previous night. He said he found himself floating in the air and just observing everything happening in his post from his vantage post in the ceiling. He said the feeling was great.The guard got a citation the following day for “sleeping on post.”

Logbook

Inspector and guard were talking:
Inspector: What will you do if there is an unusual incident in your area?
Guard: I will record it in my logbook, Sir.
Inspector: What if a sexy beautiful lady passes by and invites you to go out?
Guard: I will still record it in my logbook, Sir. But of course, I would not leave my post until properly relieved.
Inspector: What if you see a ghost, what will you do ?
Guard: Eh … (thinking deeply) … Sir, I will still record it in the logbook, Sir!

Ghost Story

A building being guarded by a security guard is haunted by ghosts. Scared out of his wits, the guard made an urgent plea for the ghosts to wear at least their ID’s upon entering the building. No ID, No Entry.

Job Stress Removers

Guard and Janitor were talking.
Guard: The problem with your job, buddy, you keep on removing the dirt, and yet others are putting back the dirt.
Janitor: Sure, pal, but if there is no dirt, I would be jobless. But your job is tougher, you search and search for it, and people out there keep on hiding it.
Guard: Oh, that’s OK. If there are no prohibited items, I would also be jobless.

Permission to Leave

Guard Detachment Commander to his guards during a formation: “IT’S UNFAIR … Do you guys realize that if ever I would leave the premises, I still have to inform you of my whereabouts, but if you guys are already going home, you never tell me your whereabouts?

The Detachment Commander decided to go home. One of the guards asked him, “Commander, going home?”

To which he replied, “YES! Why, are you the only person who knows how to go home?”

Budget Woes

Heard of a guard manager who kept two dogs to assist security guards in guarding a grassy, open area? He later gave up the dogs because one of the dogs bit a leg of a lady guard. To make it worse, he could not justify the item “dog food” in the security budget.

Creativity

To encourage everyone to wear his ID in the company premises, a Security Manager posted signs that read: “MAIN REASON WHY YOU SHOULD WEAR YOUR ID: THE PRESIDENT WEARS HIS.”
The following day, everyone was wearing his ID, including the President.

Definition of Terms

(by a tired security guard):

“Fatigue” is a pathetic condition that overpowers a guard on duty when he moonlights during “off-duty” hours. “Sleepiness” comes when nature takes its toll on the body that needs rest, as when the head keeps nodding even when there is no one around asking questions. “Dozing” is a transition stage when the brain and the eyelids prepare one to shut off himself from reality.

“Nap” is a temporary decrease of brain activity, while …

“Sleep” is HEAVEN ! Okay, let us all go to heaven ! •

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